my heart’s a battleground…

這些年一個人風也過雨也走
These few years, one person; the wind has passed, rain has gone

懂還有傷還有痛還要走還有我
A sentence, a lifetime, a life of love, a cup of wine

because the pink in one of my bras 9one of my Japanese bras infact) is not so pink anymore.

It’s like not that ‘bright’/’standoffish’ T_T;;;

that’s one of the best features of the thing…one of the reasons why I bought it in the first place T_T;;;; waa cry me a rivvverrrrrrrrrrrrr

bah, and it was a nice 1,000yen set too T_T;;;;;;;;;;;

FINALLY finished MY PAPER!!!

I know it’s crappy, just like my last Chinese test, but I dun give a shit right now.

Cuz I’m madd burnt out.

I need this break.

I am NOW officially a happy camper, as of 1:09 pm.

Gotta go shopping now, after class. XD

That Chinese test sucked.

I think I failed it.

Alot of the example sentences that we had to re-arrange n’shit, I’ve never seen before…fuckers…yeah…that sux0rs. I knew this test was gonna be hard..

I also hate Mountain Day because things got COMPLETELY off-track.

I also figured that next semester, I’m gonna pass-fail Acting II–just in order to get rid of the risk of having my GPA all fucked up.

——–

and it’s 5:48 am,

and I’m still awake, writing this paper for my samurai seminar class.

That’s gonna be crappy as hell…OH BOYYY!!!!!!!

Man, I’m s0o glad that naginata got canceled today…shiet, after this paper is done, ima be a HAPPY CAMPER!!! XD

Fuck me up the ass with spiked anal-beads.

What is s0o0o0o0o hard about understanding the fact that SET-UPS DON’T WORK!?!?!?!?!!?

I dun understand why she doesn’t get the fucken hint by now that setting people up in naginata is NOT going to work—-first she tries to set Patrick up with Yukiko, then Ellery with Yukiko, then Patrick with like every OTHER girl at the dojo,

except me.

She even tried with Ellery.

She basically thinks that just because Mark and Mai are getting married, that she can basically make everyone else at the dojo have a successful relationship. I don’t understand it…why is it that she wants all the boys to be “taken care of,” but the girls to like…not be?…

In other words,

why is it okay for Patrick and Ellery to get married, have relationships, and have babies, while for me, that’s not the case?…

Now Sensei decided to change things from “Okay you cannot get married until you’re 五段” (五段をとるまでに結婚してはいけない) to

(国際大会の個人試合で優勝するまでに結婚しないでください)

I remember immediately saying to her, “HELL NO!” (無理！)

And she’s like “Why?!” as in she’s all surprised, “You can do it” and I’m like, “NO, I can’t—-not with the training that we do HERE” and she couldn’t answer.

Cuz she knew that I was right…there’s no way that I would have a chance to that if I continued to train here in the U.S.—I would need to train in Japan for YEARS, with THE BEST of the country, in order for me to even have a CHANCE. I mean what the fuck!?!? Does she NOT realize the kinds of people I’d be competing with in individuals!?!?!? I mean shiet, just because she knows Ikemi’s habits from being her sempai, doesn’t mean that she’s a piece of cake—and Sato!? FORGET ABOUT IT, I was even surprised that she didn’t get first. There’s no way I’d be a match against for her–even if I privately trained with her for years. She’s gotta be fucken clueless to realize how fucken competitive these people are.

They also have trains—where basically, if they feel like training somewhere else with a bunch of strong people, they can easily do that—if someone wanted to randomly train with Tanaka Chikage, or like Ogata in Hyogo, they can just take a 3 hour train ride, and they’re there. It ain’t happening. This is one reason why after I graduate, I am going to work in Japan—because I can’t deal with the budo situation in the U.S. anymore.

Infact yesterday, during practice, I almost cried–it hit me hard; Japan has left me.

All of my training–almost everything I learned, gone. My skill, my Japanese skill level, practically gone. I feel like I’m back on the old drawing board again—except being able to do tobikomi-men. I’m embarassed, ashamed,

and feel fucken wasted.

It’s almost like…my skill, and everything is back to how it was before–but somehow w/Japanese bogu, and a shitload of omamori hanging off of it.

Maybe while I was in Japan, I was too focused on getting first, being able to accomplish my goal/regret for the past 2 years–but forgot about what’s going to happen AFTERWARDS.

I don’t know what it is…I think it hit me–that basically when I’m back here at MoHo–my priority = school. In Japan, it’s learning Japanese, and training—as how my father said (and he’s an academic too! o_O). I guess I have to learn to realize that, accept it, and live on with it.

I was just real upset after I heard about some of the shit that’s going on in my dojo…pretty much what’s been going on is that my feeling/prediction of the U.S.N.F. using me as a fucken “tool” was basically correct.

Worst of all, my sensei is part of that as well.

Whenever she wants 魚 to do something—basically, instead of telling him herself (because she knows that he wouldn’t listen to her), she goes TO ME to tell him—just because SHE KNOWS that we’re fucking. So yeah, while she makes me be the lil ‘go-between’ messenger (so that he could do the things that she wants)—-she goes around, behind my fucken back, trying to set him up with other girls. How fucked up is that?! Apparently, the other day during practice, one of the new dudes (who got naginata to start at one of the high schools) and his son started practice–his wife is Japanese, and during practice once, sensei basically asked him “Oh does your wife have any sisters so that you can set her up with 魚?”

and not only that,

but she really WENT OVER THE LINE by asking the new dude;

“Hey what about some of the high schoolers?”

?!!?!?!?!??!

then I remember 魚 saying, “Uhh…Sensei…that’s kinda illegal…” (彼は２７歳だから) ROTFL, but not only that, but Seth (the new dude) even had a disgusted/disturbed look on his face after she said that.

Seriously, if sensei keeps going like this–at this rate, she’s gonna lose alot of students

She doesn’t seem to understand the rule that ‘personal life’ and ‘business’ are two SEPARATE things!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wouldn’t be surprised that a couple of ppl quit because of that.

What gets me upset is just that…

She uses me a as a ‘tool’–I’m looked at as a fucken tool here in the U.S. The US federation wants me to be the ‘next prodigy’/'new hope’ for U.S. naginata…

but they don’t see me as anything else…

They don’t try to train hard…they don’t try as much as I do to RE-LEARN Japanese–just so that I could understand the senseis better, and be able to understand naginata at a deeper level,

they don’t try to make their senior thesis about naginata history,

they don’t practice until the minute the たすき gets put on before a shiai, just to make sure that they are warmed up enough,

they think just because ‘I’m young’—that I can do anything w/out trying.

That was never my fate in naginata.

This is why whenever I’m back in the U.S., I feel s0o alone in the naginata world—The sensei I saw before, the sensei who inspired me to go on with naginata, she doesn’t exist anymore. Yulin, my ‘older brother,’ is gone, back to China, and all my other dojo mates don’t know me, they look up to me too much, or they just want to see my obnoxious ass get kicked. They aren’t there for support.

Patrick is the only person here in the U.S. who I can trust to have my back.

But even so…he’s better off on his own–and the both of us disagree on how to train in naginata.

I can break infront of him, and it’s okay.

But the problem is…I don’t know if I can give the same thing back to him…

I don’t think I’m ready for that…

and who are my other people? They are NOT in the U.S. Marija is in Canada–she’s like my best girlie friend for naginata ^_^,

and my heart is still in Japan.

My past, my everything–it’s all there. Everytime I go to 大月 to see my grandmother’s side of the family–I always feel like I find, and retain, a piece of my past. Ranging from seeing the only painting left done by my great-grandmother Fumi (whom I was named after), to even running around the checkered-ish designs of my grandpa’s old house, in 下田。Everything feels right, and everything starts to fall into place. My place was never here, it was always in Japan.

But most of all,

my naginata world…it’s there. My sempai, the senseis there–they knew I tried hard, and that I never took a break (unless it was for medical/health reasons). I wanted to push hard to be the best that I could—I was able to fight off my depression, my homesickness, and my personal problems there, and did the best I could. They may have been hospitable/treated me as a guest, always knew that I was a foreigner, but even so, they saw me as me. They were the only people in Japan who wrote my name in my kanji—I always almost cried whenever I saw that. They were the only Japanese, in Japan, who could basically not look at me “as a tool”–as what I was used to being looked at here, they saw me as “冨美さん”—because that’s who I am. Even though they knew that I was not one of the strong players in Japan, they didn’t give up on me, and they still pushed me.

I improved, and I won the U.S. championships because of them,

not because of Yamauchi Sensei.

not because of my sempai, kohai here.

They knew my goal, they supported me.

Heh, I guess that’s why I carried Marija’s letter in my zekken, and put the omamori that Ebisawa Sensei gave me, in my dou.

Yamauchi Sensei was all happy, and talking to me about how she was glad that Tanaka Sensei’s ‘tengu nose’ was broken off, after I won first—-but I don’t think she seemed to have realize that the reason why I won wasn’t because of her…

It gets me upset…why my own sensei uses me as a tool…she knows it hurts me, why does she do it?

I talked to Patrick about it, and he basically told me “She wants all of us (guys) to be well-taken care of” and I was like “Uhh…wtf, then what about me?!”

“No but with us, she wants to breed us off”

“Wtf?! she doesn’t want me to have kids?!”

“No, because then you’d have to stop training”

…

oh. my. god.

Why didn’t I see this earlier?!?!!

It makes total sense…

She was even explaining to me the reason as to why she wanted me get married AFTER godan–because if I get pregnant, then I’d have to stop training for like 2 years, and then taking godan afterwards, would be very difficult. But for the guys, they would make kids, then the kids could start naginata…basically, eventually leading onto the growth/spreading of naginata in the U.S….

Shit…

That makes sense as to why she doesn’t approve of me and 魚—and why she always wants to set him, and everyone else up with a bunch of girls, but doesn’t want me to be w/a guy—that’s why she even repeated a bunch of times “No, she’s a NUN until she gets godan”……

She wants me to be her heir.

But…

I want to be both.

I can’t have that?…

I believe I can…I believe I can…

I think I’m one of the only people who can…

I mean hey…life in Japan is different compared to the U.S.

I need to get outta here, I need to go back to Japan to continue my training–I need to make sure that I even reach my peak level…

The other day in Chinese class, we were talking about our families—and I remember Gao老師 sending us an email over the weekend, telling us to bring pictures of our family members to show to the class.

Makes sense, since we were learning about families

So yeah, I of course, didn’t have any pictures of my family together (cuz like…we’re s0o damn into our own things), so like, I took off a picture that I had of my brother and Miyo, back from my senior year in high school (damn…doesn’t seem that long ago either!)–when Jiji went to the ICU during Oshogatsu.

I also didn’t want to bring my computer, because it’s too heavy and bulky, and also isn’t the HOT Macbook Air T_T;;;

So yeah, I brought that, I introduced my brother, but not Miyo (since apparently there’s 50 different ways to say ‘cousin’ in Chinese), but yeah…didn’t feel like that was enough.

Then I remembered that I had pictures on my 携帯—so yeah, then I decided to have a lil ‘fun’ with it

So then luckily, Gao老師 called on me again, and I pulled out a picture of McDreamy, and said:

［這是我先生］

LMAO!!!!! (those of you who know Chinese will get the joke :P). Then I later on told her the title of this entry…

ですが。。。

While I was walking out of Ciruti, to Blanchard, I couldn’t help but to remember/think about Ruth’s blog entry…feel kinda lonely, 寂しい, and blue…

Funny how I read Ruth’s blog entry around the same time we were learning this…

Even though I was joking in class…I couldn’t help but to think… :

McDreamyに「君が好き」を言ったら、笑われてしまう。

彼に愛されないこととは分かっている。

これ以上になるのがムリとは分かっている、

彼にデート招待してくれても、付き合っても、結婚しても。。。

私のモノじゃない。。。私のモノになられない。。。絶対になれない

だから、悲しくなってしまう

だが。。。

彼の目だけを見たい。

初めてアイコンタクトした時の思い出は、私なのだ。

誰にも盗まれない。

理由が分かんないだけど、それが私のモノだ。その「アイコンタクト」の出会い、

バイクのヘルメットだから、彼の大きくて丸い目だけを見られたから、その「アイコンタクト」がまだはっきり思い出せる。

彼のクラくて柔らかい茶色な絞りと輝いている白い強膜のコントラストって、スムーズクロポイな肌とよく似合っているがまだ忘れないように。。。

全部の顔が見られなかったけど、彼がかっこいいとよく分かった。

ヘルメットのおかげで、かっこいいと私は思っている「不思議」な感じしていた。目は厳ついで怖そうな「何？！バイクの音を聞いてもなぜ動けなかったのか？！」から、柔らかくて物珍しそうな「あれ？。。。もしかしたら。。。会ったことがあるかな？。。。」のような感じに変わった。

その時、私達の目は両方夢中していて、世界は止まっているらしかった。

私達だけ、小さいな水泡の中に入っていたような感じだった。

彼は他の人にアイコンタクトが出来なかったが、

私は見られた時だけ、そのことがいつも消えてしまう。

彼のことを忘れるようにしていたんだけど、同じ思い出を作った所に戻れば、色々な思い出が思い出してしまう。

名古屋で行われた全日本女子大会に行った時、その松原の携帯に赤外線で送られた写真のことにも思い出した。彼の顔を持つために、そのことをした。

道場の中でいつも防具を置いていた所にも。。。やはり忘れないように。。。なぜ彼が私から遠いかという文句はいつも私の頭の中に言っていた。

私の剣道について、彼に「上手」、「見たことがある。。。試合稽古で。。。勝った。」と言われた時にも。。。

稽古に時、彼は他の女子の後輩に御稽古してあげていて、恥ずかしがり屋の私は、並ぶつもりだったが、

背けてしまった

喉から「お願いします」が出なかった。

くそっ、やはり馬鹿、私、

彼のことを忘れた方がいいとは分かる。。。

彼は私のことと関係が欲しがっていない

くそっ

この間、雑誌の中で、「英語で自分のことが６言葉で説明してください」という競争に気付いて、

今、その競争したら、私は；

「来て、見て、退却してしまった私」

だが、

「勇ましい　ワタシ」

の方がいいんだけど。。。

I made acting mine,

I made my Samurai Seminar mine…

and I fucken HATE IT whenever I hear like something ’shiny’ dropped on teh floor—I cannot seem to find teh damn thing!!! The sound was too clear for it to have come from the other room…shiet, I hope I didn’t drop one of my earrings or something >_<

I also miss Japan alot...I knew this shit would happen...but yeah...I miss getting all that good food, good kendo, this time of year, and like...being able to walk in Shinkyogoku during the day...yeah...everything...I want to live in Kyoto again,

my favorite stores...the old, traditional looking areas (like that lil area/pathway where I saw this weird '夢' doll shrine, in between Yasaka-jinja and Kiyomizu-dera)...my favorite place in the world…

especially NOW that I’ve read the Tales of the Heike…I can now go back to the places and be able to appreciate everything more…maybe I should’ve read that before going off to Kyoto…

From Ruth’s blog:

If I ever told Mr. Victory that I liked him, he would laugh in my face

i know he will never love me

I know that I can never have him, even if he asked me out or we dated or even married he does not belong to me…he can never belong to me…he can never be mine

And that makes me sad

But all I want to see is his laughing face, somehow that smile he gives me, and no one else, is mine. Somehow that belongs to me.…

……..

and I should forgot him

He will never want anything to do with me

dammit

i saw a magazine competition which was describe your self in 6 words

right now, mine would be, `I came, I saw, I lost`

If only I could reduce it to these three: `victory is mine`

If I were to revise this, it would be:

If I ever told McDreamy Mr. Victory that I liked him, he would laugh in my face

If only I could reduce it to these three: ‘courage victory is mine`

I have officially claimed 「Tokyo Tower」という breakdance move/freeze.

Okay..well, good news–Jenn (my breakdance teacher) is going to help us with rhythm!! XD yYA!!!!!

And on the other news,

my calf muslces have been hurting like a BITCH during practice today…I dunno y, I guess it’s because I put all my weight on them or something…but like, I couldn’t do all the dances. Fuckers. but then she gave us a “homework move” which was to do a ‘freeze’

When I saw her do it, the first thing I thought was;

“Fuck dat”

“無理”

But then she explained it well…and then I tried it and I was like,

“Wait…this is kinda easy..this ain’t so bad afterall..”

and I fell into that trap of thinking that it was “too easy to be true” so I just lifted my leg up more, and began to feel pressure. But then Taryn was cheering me on, and I didn’t realize that I was the only person in the room who was able to do it.

Jenn goes up to me and tells me that

“I like the straight up thing, and I’ve never seen anyone be able to lift their leg that straight up in the air…but it’s kinda wrong”

-_-

fuckerz.

Apparently my legs are supposed to be bent, and hagning off to the side…so it’s almost like I”m on a balance beam…oopsie. Then I did it again, but was able to do it.

The thing is, that I liked my “Eiffel Tower”–so I continued to do that—and I told her that it’s my Eiffel Tower! ahahaha. She liked that, and then I continued to do it.

Then I realized

“Wait…no…”

“This is TOKYO TOWER!!!” XD

haha I mean it makes more sense. ROTFL! It suits me better.

So then I told her that, she laughed, and liked it.

Later on I took a pic, I think that the pics here suck/my leg isn’t as straight up as it was the first time..but oh wellz, now I know what to do.

Here’s go-round 2:

I remember asking Taryn to take a pic, and then some jealous bitch girl was like “YOUR LEG IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SIDE!!” and I was gonna yell back, but didn’t, cuz she’s just jealous that her weak ass can’t do it. So yeah, I just continued to do it–I mean I KNOW that my legs are supposed to be off to the side, duh, the teacher made it clear. Blah. I was just gonna do this anyway, before I can do the real thang (otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to transition well).

I also remember afterwards, when we had our practice rehersal, that Jen afterwards yelled out “Yeaaaaaa~~~ TOKYO TOWER!!!” XD

I have officially made that claim XD

—-

Also I felt MUCH stronger today/my performance felt better–I think within one week of hell fitness training, 5x/week w/the kendo-bu and the naginata club, my muscles DEF got stronger. I’m able to do wheel barrels much more efficiently, and smoothly, and yeah…I feel stronger. I also didn’t eat much today, so like my body felt light, rather than groggy…I think those exercises I’ve been doing has been helping me with my overall physical performance in EVERYTHING.

I think I’m getting back in shape.

XD

Basically,

I still have this habit from like my first year; not being able to study on Fridays and Saturdays.

Yeah…well…figures, since I get s0o damn burnt out from studying everyday till 2:00 am (nowadays, longer) from SundayからThursdays. So yeah, and it hasn’t changed since. Basically, I dunno what it is–but it seems like ever since having a single, I’ve been starting to go by more of a ‘routine’ schedule—

or maybe it’s because I’m simply just getting old.

In any case, I pulled a muscle in my ass today while trying to breakdance, during rhythm practice -_- yeah, that sucked. Now I can’t run nor lie down and do that yoga stretch on the side. Bah. Afterwards, I didn’t do much–then later, I figured;

“Hey…why don’t I just go to Northampton now!?!?!”

So yeah, there was a bus coming in 20 mins, so I figured that I could. Then I was about to change my mind and not go,

but then I decided to go.

I thought I missed the bus (because it was a minute past the time)—but the bus still wasn’t there. I thought that I may have missed it for a minute, but then I asked another girl who was by the stop if the bus came already–and she said that she was waiting for the same bus, so I guess I was in good shape.

I went into Faces–to see if they had anything new. They didn’t have my flats >< but like I did try on this pink whig…hahaha:

I actually kinda liked the white hairs in it…hahaha. But yeah, def gonna get a hot pink whig before drag ball lol.

On the more random note; this is what MoHo does to us:

LoL…that was quite hilarious..

Now I want main moon..goddamit.